I won’t pretend Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid isn’t stupid. But it’s also very fun | Film

The 1997 all-star reptile rampage Anaconda was a movie notable for an early career appearance from J-Lo, a dicey Paraguayan accent from Jon Voight, and, let’s face it, not much else. Admittedly, defending a sequel that has 25% on Rotten Tomatoes might sound like a fool’s errand, but hear me out. With a charmingly silly plot and a raft of unsympathetic characters destined to become snake fodder, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid succeeds where the original faltered – and cranks up the ophidiophobia.

An exploratory team travels to the jungle in search of the rare blood orchid, a flower unique to the region that blooms once every seven years and is believed to hold properties linked to cellular regeneration, and thus, eternal life. Led by pharmaceutical executive Gordon Mitchell (Morris Chestnut) and scientist Dr Jack Byron (Matthew Marsden), the expedition recruits local boat captain Bill Johnson (Johnny Messner) who, quite handily, is also ex-military. He agrees to take them along the river, despite the treacherous rainy season conditions.

Predictably, the team comes a cropper and careens over a waterfall, leaving the boat splintered upon the rocks below. With no other choice but to strike out on foot, they head deeper into the jungle where they discover the blood orchid has become part of the food chain, causing the local anacondas to grow to exceptional sizes.

Group tensions run high. Also, they discover it is snake mating season. As one character memorably puts it: “There’s some snake orgy going on in the jungle.”

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid isn’t stupid. It’s set in Borneo and they don’t even have anacondas in Borneo, for goodness sake. But while it might well be ludicrous, at least it is enjoyably and consistently ludicrous: a man fights a crocodile armed only with a small knife, spiders can paralyze you with a single bite, and little red jungle flowers hold the key to eternal youth.

Writers Edward Neumeier and Michael Miner are best known for creating the all time greatest cyborg movie Robocop, and while Anacondas lacks the vicious, satirical bite of that sci-fi classic, it is clear the themes of corporate dystopia never left the writers’ minds. The big pharma execs gleefully ponder the exorbitant blood orchid profit margins, while one researcher brazenly confesses: “I like science. I just like money better.” It all primes us to not feel too upset when they end up headfirst down a reptile gullet.

Whether for budgetary reasons, or as a classic monster movie slow reveal, Anacondas wisely chooses to use its snakes more sparingly than the first movie. It’s a fair while before we even clap eyes on the slithery beasts, and when we do, they are confined to shadows and undergrowth. Thus Anacondas largely avoids its predecessor’s chief problem of having a snake that looked a bit rubbish.

When we do finally meet our wiggly antagonists, the team are sloshing though waist high river waters and the camera skates upwards to reveal a monstrous anaconda curling around them under the surface. Our bird’s-eye view allows us to see the lurking terror that, up close, is too large for the team to comprehend. It’s a really fun setup, with a tone that feels like it would not be out of place in a Steven Spielberg movie.

It is my belief that the poor standing of Anacondas is simply down to its association with the four other inferior entries in the Anaconda Cinematic Universe (as I’m calling it). With such an overwhelmingly mediocre general consensus, it is theoretically possible I might be wrong about this. But Anacondas is such a fun time that I genuinely think not. If I am to die on this weird hill, so be it.

The 1997 all-star reptile rampage Anaconda was a movie notable for an early career appearance from J-Lo, a dicey Paraguayan accent from Jon Voight, and, let’s face it, not much else. Admittedly, defending a sequel that has 25% on Rotten Tomatoes might sound like a fool’s errand, but hear me out. With a charmingly silly plot and a raft of unsympathetic characters destined to become snake fodder, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid succeeds where the original faltered – and cranks up the ophidiophobia.

An exploratory team travels to the jungle in search of the rare blood orchid, a flower unique to the region that blooms once every seven years and is believed to hold properties linked to cellular regeneration, and thus, eternal life. Led by pharmaceutical executive Gordon Mitchell (Morris Chestnut) and scientist Dr Jack Byron (Matthew Marsden), the expedition recruits local boat captain Bill Johnson (Johnny Messner) who, quite handily, is also ex-military. He agrees to take them along the river, despite the treacherous rainy season conditions.

Predictably, the team comes a cropper and careens over a waterfall, leaving the boat splintered upon the rocks below. With no other choice but to strike out on foot, they head deeper into the jungle where they discover the blood orchid has become part of the food chain, causing the local anacondas to grow to exceptional sizes.

Group tensions run high. Also, they discover it is snake mating season. As one character memorably puts it: “There’s some snake orgy going on in the jungle.”

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid isn’t stupid. It’s set in Borneo and they don’t even have anacondas in Borneo, for goodness sake. But while it might well be ludicrous, at least it is enjoyably and consistently ludicrous: a man fights a crocodile armed only with a small knife, spiders can paralyze you with a single bite, and little red jungle flowers hold the key to eternal youth.

Writers Edward Neumeier and Michael Miner are best known for creating the all time greatest cyborg movie Robocop, and while Anacondas lacks the vicious, satirical bite of that sci-fi classic, it is clear the themes of corporate dystopia never left the writers’ minds. The big pharma execs gleefully ponder the exorbitant blood orchid profit margins, while one researcher brazenly confesses: “I like science. I just like money better.” It all primes us to not feel too upset when they end up headfirst down a reptile gullet.

Whether for budgetary reasons, or as a classic monster movie slow reveal, Anacondas wisely chooses to use its snakes more sparingly than the first movie. It’s a fair while before we even clap eyes on the slithery beasts, and when we do, they are confined to shadows and undergrowth. Thus Anacondas largely avoids its predecessor’s chief problem of having a snake that looked a bit rubbish.

When we do finally meet our wiggly antagonists, the team are sloshing though waist high river waters and the camera skates upwards to reveal a monstrous anaconda curling around them under the surface. Our bird’s-eye view allows us to see the lurking terror that, up close, is too large for the team to comprehend. It’s a really fun setup, with a tone that feels like it would not be out of place in a Steven Spielberg movie.

It is my belief that the poor standing of Anacondas is simply down to its association with the four other inferior entries in the Anaconda Cinematic Universe (as I’m calling it). With such an overwhelmingly mediocre general consensus, it is theoretically possible I might be wrong about this. But Anacondas is such a fun time that I genuinely think not. If I am to die on this weird hill, so be it.