‘Traitors’ Finale Recap: Winners, Losers, Shocking Moments

There are many lessons to be gleaned from Season Two of The Traitors, Peacock’s smash hit reality TV competition based on the parlor game Mafia: 1) that you should never drink from an ominous-looking rusty chalice, particularly if it has been offered to you by a notoriously cutthroat former Survivor contestant; 2) that virtually everyone looks cool in emerald-green velvet cloaks; and 3) that Peacock has an insanely high budget for both breakfast pastries and Alan Cumming’s headgear.

Perhaps the first and foremost takeaway from this season of The Traitors, however, is that if you are a defendant in a criminal trial and you see a former Bravo reality TV show cast member on the jury, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that you’re going to jail.

Throughout this season, the crux of the show’s tension has been the rivalry between the “gamer” alliance, or reality TV stars who cut their teeth on more strategically oriented shows, and former cast members on Bravo TV shows (heretofore known as “the Bravo girlies”). The purpose of the game has (ostensibly) been for the Faithful members of the group to identify and vote out Traitors, thereby reducing the risk of a Traitor winning a more than $100,000 cash prize and leaving them with nothing. Yet time and again, throughout the season, the “gamer” alliance has correctly identified a traitor, attempting to use logic and reasoning to get the Bravo girlies to vote with them to oust them. And time and again, the Bravo girlies refused to do so, leading to them voting against their best interests. It is absolutely fascinating to watch; Thomas Frank should write a book about them. 

By the season finale of The Traitors, the tension between the Bravo girlies and the gamers comes to a head in the most dramatic way possible, testing longstanding loyalties, throwing unsuspecting players under the bus, and making viewers even hornier for Chris “CT” Tamburello than previously thought possible. 

To recap, at the beginning of the episode, there are six contestants left: the three Bravo girlies Sherée Whitfield (Real Housewives of Atlanta), Mercedes “MJ” Javid (Shahs of Sunset), and Kate Chastain (Below Deck), and the three “gamers” Trishelle Cannatella (Real World and The Challenge), Chris “CT” Tamburello (Real World and The Challenge), and Sandra Diaz-Twine (Survivor). After Bravo girlie and Traitor Phaedra Parks had been banished in a highly emotional roundtable, Sandra embarked on a quest to sniff out the remaining traitor, immediately setting her sights on Kate (who is, in fact, a Traitor. But she is far better at complaining than she is at strategy or forming alliances or physical challenges or anything else, in the game really). 

Back in the turret, where Kate must choose her final contestant to murder, she resorts to her favorite activity. “I don’t know what to do. This is so hard,” she says, blaming Phaedra for not leaving her with a coherent strategy to follow before she was ousted. When it’s time to decide who to murder, Kate vacillates between Trishelle and Sherée, though honestly, the choice seems fairly obvious: as a member of the Bravo girly alliance, killing Sherée would somewhat alleviate the other players’ suspicions about her while killing Trishelle would just have the effect of…significantly reducing the number of weird hats that appear onscreen. Nonetheless, by the time Alan Cumming implores Kate to “commit thy name to power,” she’s made her decision. God, will I miss Alan’s ominous purring in the turret. It’s giving cunty ASMR.

At breakfast, MJ struts in, looking fabulous in a white turtleneck dress, white tights, and boots. I realize that in looks, voice, and temperament, she is a dead ringer for Kathy Najimy in Hocus Pocus. It is, honestly, a testament to the indefatigability of the human spirit (or, alternatively, Bravo/Peacock brand synergy) that MJ has stuck around for so long. “I’m genuine, loyal, and that’s the reason why I’ve made it so far,” she says in a confessional. Whatever helps you sleep at night, babe. 

Next, CT, Kate, and Sandra walk in, with Sandra wearing one of her trademark neutral-toned ponchos (will Traitors bring about a J. Peterman catalogue resurgence? Probably not, mostly because it doesn’t exist anymore, but one can dream). CT has set his sights on Kate, telling Sandra she “was acting funny” during the roundtable with Phaedra. (While I did not personally observe this during the roundtable — Kate was just acting like her regular sourpuss self — CT is a burly northeastern Irish/Italian man with eyes the color of the swirling Epstein Island seas, so I am willing to agree with virtually whatever he says).  Meanwhile, sweet, precious MJ is convinced Sandra is the culprit, saying, “Kate is giving me faithful energy. My gut is telling me Sandra is a traitor.” If this woman is able to use a can opener, it would, frankly, shock me. 

It’s down to two possible murders: Sherée and Trishelle. When Trishelle strides in her Burberry pants and Stupid White Vanderbilt Mom at Steeplechase Hat (™), the contestants (somehow) realize that Sherée has been the unfortunate victim. In her final testimonial, Sherée has, apparently, figured out what show she has been on for the past 10 episodes, something that fans have genuinely been wondering due to her utter inability to accomplish anything of note. She, too, has set her sights on Kate: “Kate came in hot, and it was written all over her face,” she says. Good for you, babe! You figured out a thing. Now, try taking the LSAT.

Alan Cumming (yes, it is necessary to say his first and last name on every mention) comes in wearing what appears to be a CT eye-colored quilt, which he has paired with a Thirties haircut and little nanny glasses. He looks like he’s been cast as FDR in a drag version of Annie that would make Ben Shapiro absolutely apoplectic (and that I, personally, would love to see). He hints at the upcoming mission involving a helicopter. Then the helicopter comes, and everyone acts as if they’ve never seen or heard of a helicopter before in their lives, despite the fact that most of these people live in Los Angeles and get paid tens of thousands of dollars for shitting out Instagram sponcon about hair gummies. MJ makes a gushing comment about “flying over the beautiful Scottish lands,” further reinforcing my belief that someone at Peacock is trying to have sex with someone who works at the Scottish tourism bureau. 

The gang arrives at a bunch of cliffs, which Alan Cumming introduces, but I can’t remember the name; they may or may not have been named after the actor Colin Firth. They are told they have to get to a pirate ship and raise the mainsail within 60 minutes to add $50,000 to the $158,000 prize fund. There are various detours along the way where they have to complete tasks to add to the prize pot before they reach the ship. Alan Cumming refers to this as “my ship,” just as he refers to the castle as “my castle,” as if he spent all of his own money on this production. Co-directing 2001’s The Anniversary Party with Jennifer Jason Leigh couldn’t possibly have paid that well, Alan! That was a good movie, though.

Kate, who is, if nothing else, committed to constantly being on brand, declares, “I hate missions.” The tasks during the detours are not really worth describing — one of them involves fishing a flag out of a lobster trap — but almost all of them are entirely dependent on CT, and CT alone, doing immense physical labor while the Bravo girlies stand to the side with their mouths open, fantasizing about doing blow off a twink’s abs at a BravoCon afterparty. “Let’s be honest, I’m doing all the heavy lifting,” CT says in the understatement of the century. With 16 minutes left into the mission, he has to run back to the start to retrieve a code for a padlock so they can add $10k to the prize pot, and his slow-motion jog back to the group is the sexiest thing I have seen since Jacob Elordi called himself “babygirl” in his Saturday Night Live promos. Would I be so dramatic as to say I would die for this man? No, but I would probably steal a flat-screen TV or something from Best Buy for him. That’s serious! You can get like 10 years in prison for that. 

Then, the group has to rappel down a cliff. Despite Kate being a giant pain in the ass (“Is it possible for the body to throw up and pee at the same time?” she says. YES, OF COURSE, KATE, IT’S POSSIBLE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A NON-PROFIT OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BEFORE) they somehow make it down and get onto the boat, hoisting the mainsail with just nine seconds left. Everyone seems genuinely happy, and it’s a lovely cathartic moment. 

In the copter on the way back, CT and Kate chat about the upcoming roundtable. “Good job today for a yacthy,” CT says, while Kate fires back, “I’m a gamer, get it right.” It’s giving Parvati and Peter doing their from-lovers-to-enemies erotic fan fiction arc a few episodes ago. On the ride, Kate is making a last-ditch effort to frame Sandra, prompting CT to ask if she’s a Traitor. “How dare you, so rude, why,” she says in a manner that is so unconvincing I am briefly under the impression she is purposefully being sarcastic. CT, however, somehow — CT! My king! Why? — appears to be swayed, saying he is “starting to second-guess” his decision to vote her out. 

CT tells Sandra about this conversation, prompting Sandra to confront Kate, who tries to deflect the blame onto CT. Kate then goes to CT and informs him Sandra will be voting for him at the roundtable. “Everyone is telling everybody what they want to hear,” CT says. “I don’t see why she’d vote for me unless she’s a Traitor.” These people have the structural integrity of marshmallows. 

At the roundtable, Alan Cumming welcomes the players “to this grand hall of gargantuan lies and grandiose bluster” (apparently, the writers brought back John to help out with some dialogue behind the scenes after he was murdered. If so, I hope he gets paid more than he did when he was Speaker!). It takes Sandra about three seconds to realize she’s been set up and that Kate had been lying to CT and Sandra all along. She is justifiably pissed and puts up a relatively convincing argument in her own defense, saying she wished she had been selected for the “privilege” of being a traitor but was not. “Her whole outfit is screaming Traitor. I don’t know what else to tell you guys,” Sandra screams, prompting Kate, who is wearing a cream-colored jumpsuit that indeed looks Traitor-like, to smile and say, “Thanks,” in a moment that immediately gives her away as a Traitor but also seems to have been engineered in a lab exclusively for the enjoyment of the reality TV millennial gays.

It is now time to vote. CT votes for Sandra, as do Kate and MJ. An irate Trishelle, who had previously planned with CT to try to oust Kate, votes along with the group, casting her ballot for Sandra so she can be with the majority. It is a move that would have made a lot more sense earlier in the game with more players when voting outside the majority would have invited suspicion, but it is frankly inexplicable given how far along they are. Sandra seems genuinely floored. “My heart is really broken. I never once doubted you. I don’t regret anything I’ve done in this game,” she says before revealing herself as a Faithful. For reasons that are far beyond anything the mortal brain can attempt to ascertain, MJ seems both shocked and heartbroken. 

Narrowly escaping banishment has emboldened Kate in the most obnoxious way possible. “Somehow, I’ve gotten the least amount of accusations this evening. How charming am I?” she says. “I’m expecting them to next storm the castle and pursue Fergus and Alan.” (Honestly, she probably could.) Meanwhile, Trishelle is consumed by what she views as CT’s umpteenth betrayal during the game, which is clearly sowing the seeds for her to ultimately betray him in the final round, despite the fact that they have known each other for decades and have been allies throughout the season. Alan Cumming does little interviews with everyone in the group, none of which are notable except for MJ’s because she says that while she “trusts everyone in the group,” she has somehow deduced that “there must be a Traitor left because Sheree was murdered.” No, MJ, Sheree wasn’t murdered. She decided to symbolically kill herself. Again, it is a mystery that these people are able to tie their shoes.

The group heads to the “fire of truth,” which is essentially just the same kind of fire pit you’d find at an upper-middle-class suburban couple’s wedding. You half expect an eight-piece band to be playing “Uptown Funk” while the mother of the bride ralphs in the bathroom sink. Alan swans in wearing a sapphire jewel-encrusted cape and explains the rules: the group must decide whether to end the game, thereby risking that there is still a Traitor in their midst who may take all the money or banish another person. Everyone except Kate votes for banishment, which, again, instantly reveals her to be a Traitor. This time, everyone votes for Kate to be banished, and she pretends to be OK with it, even though literally three minutes before, she had been gleefully saying that she “hoped someone would cry” when she won the money. It is a pyrrhic victory. Or pyrrhic loss? I don’t know. I just know “pyrrhic” has fire involved. 

It is now time for MJ, Trishelle, and CT to decide whether they want to banish again or to end the game and split the prize money among them. MJ votes to end the game. “If I’m wrong to love these guys, I don’t want to be right,” she declares. “I just trust them.” Both Trishelle and CT shockingly vote to banish again, with CT declaring to Trishelle, “There’s only one person here I’m willing to trust to share that pot of gold with.” It becomes clear that they intend to fuck over MJ, something that their alliance has been hinting at throughout the season, but MJ is justifiably pissed. CT then votes for MJ to be banished, while MJ votes for Trishelle; Trishelle, however, votes for CT, leading to a draw. 

It’s unclear why Trishelle votes for CT for banishment; she cannot possibly think he is a Traitor due to their hardcore alliance throughout the show, and judging by CT’s vote to banish MJ, they seem to have orchestrated a plan prior to ousting whoever they were competing against in the finals. Apparently, however, Trishelle did this for an extremely Trishelle reason: pettiness. “We had a plan to vote out Kate, and when we got to the banishment room, you were defending her all of a sudden. It just didn’t align,” she says. CT looks staggered, saying he has “never doubted” Trishelle. It is a major plot twist in what is surely the Anna Karenina/Count Vronsky dynamic of our times, a book I have frankly never read but am sure was about two professionally hot people who kind of hated each other and have appeared drunk on various reality television programs, one of whom has slept with Leonardo DiCaprio. MJ is watching this vaguely psychosexual drama play out, vacillating between feeling hurt and wildly uncomfortable, like a guy who asks his wife to have a threesome and then gets shut out and watches TV in the other room.

It’s time for the three to vote again. CT votes for MJ again. MJ votes for Trishelle again. Trishelle, however, has seemingly been convinced by CT’s blue blue eyes and show of loyalty; he votes for MJ. MJ is, once again, “heartbroken.” “It shouldn’t have ended this way,” she says. “C’est pas juste.” Why does MJ speak French in her goodbye message? I don’t know. I could Google it, but I have to think about other things, like keeping my two small children alive and raising them to never seek validation on reality television by scratching through snakes and rats in underground tunnels to retrieve a gold shield some PA bought for $5 at Party City.

As fireworks ring out over the Scottish countryside, CT and Trishelle reveal each other to be Faithfuls. They take turns lying on the fake gold; CT is so overjoyed that he kisses Alan Cumming on the cheek, a gesture that would have impressed me a whole lot more if it had been 20 minutes of uncensored ball-slapping sex in front of the Peacock viewing audience, but I suppose we can’t have everything. 

“You have wills of iron, nerves of titanium, and the strength of steel,” Alan Cumming declares as the three celebrate having fucked over a sweet, well-meaning, and ultimately very unintelligent woman.

Happy Traitors second season, everyone! Can’t wait to see your MJ-backing-out-of-a-room costumes for Halloween.

There are many lessons to be gleaned from Season Two of The Traitors, Peacock’s smash hit reality TV competition based on the parlor game Mafia: 1) that you should never drink from an ominous-looking rusty chalice, particularly if it has been offered to you by a notoriously cutthroat former Survivor contestant; 2) that virtually everyone looks cool in emerald-green velvet cloaks; and 3) that Peacock has an insanely high budget for both breakfast pastries and Alan Cumming’s headgear.

Perhaps the first and foremost takeaway from this season of The Traitors, however, is that if you are a defendant in a criminal trial and you see a former Bravo reality TV show cast member on the jury, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that you’re going to jail.

Throughout this season, the crux of the show’s tension has been the rivalry between the “gamer” alliance, or reality TV stars who cut their teeth on more strategically oriented shows, and former cast members on Bravo TV shows (heretofore known as “the Bravo girlies”). The purpose of the game has (ostensibly) been for the Faithful members of the group to identify and vote out Traitors, thereby reducing the risk of a Traitor winning a more than $100,000 cash prize and leaving them with nothing. Yet time and again, throughout the season, the “gamer” alliance has correctly identified a traitor, attempting to use logic and reasoning to get the Bravo girlies to vote with them to oust them. And time and again, the Bravo girlies refused to do so, leading to them voting against their best interests. It is absolutely fascinating to watch; Thomas Frank should write a book about them. 

By the season finale of The Traitors, the tension between the Bravo girlies and the gamers comes to a head in the most dramatic way possible, testing longstanding loyalties, throwing unsuspecting players under the bus, and making viewers even hornier for Chris “CT” Tamburello than previously thought possible. 

To recap, at the beginning of the episode, there are six contestants left: the three Bravo girlies Sherée Whitfield (Real Housewives of Atlanta), Mercedes “MJ” Javid (Shahs of Sunset), and Kate Chastain (Below Deck), and the three “gamers” Trishelle Cannatella (Real World and The Challenge), Chris “CT” Tamburello (Real World and The Challenge), and Sandra Diaz-Twine (Survivor). After Bravo girlie and Traitor Phaedra Parks had been banished in a highly emotional roundtable, Sandra embarked on a quest to sniff out the remaining traitor, immediately setting her sights on Kate (who is, in fact, a Traitor. But she is far better at complaining than she is at strategy or forming alliances or physical challenges or anything else, in the game really). 

Back in the turret, where Kate must choose her final contestant to murder, she resorts to her favorite activity. “I don’t know what to do. This is so hard,” she says, blaming Phaedra for not leaving her with a coherent strategy to follow before she was ousted. When it’s time to decide who to murder, Kate vacillates between Trishelle and Sherée, though honestly, the choice seems fairly obvious: as a member of the Bravo girly alliance, killing Sherée would somewhat alleviate the other players’ suspicions about her while killing Trishelle would just have the effect of…significantly reducing the number of weird hats that appear onscreen. Nonetheless, by the time Alan Cumming implores Kate to “commit thy name to power,” she’s made her decision. God, will I miss Alan’s ominous purring in the turret. It’s giving cunty ASMR.

At breakfast, MJ struts in, looking fabulous in a white turtleneck dress, white tights, and boots. I realize that in looks, voice, and temperament, she is a dead ringer for Kathy Najimy in Hocus Pocus. It is, honestly, a testament to the indefatigability of the human spirit (or, alternatively, Bravo/Peacock brand synergy) that MJ has stuck around for so long. “I’m genuine, loyal, and that’s the reason why I’ve made it so far,” she says in a confessional. Whatever helps you sleep at night, babe. 

Next, CT, Kate, and Sandra walk in, with Sandra wearing one of her trademark neutral-toned ponchos (will Traitors bring about a J. Peterman catalogue resurgence? Probably not, mostly because it doesn’t exist anymore, but one can dream). CT has set his sights on Kate, telling Sandra she “was acting funny” during the roundtable with Phaedra. (While I did not personally observe this during the roundtable — Kate was just acting like her regular sourpuss self — CT is a burly northeastern Irish/Italian man with eyes the color of the swirling Epstein Island seas, so I am willing to agree with virtually whatever he says).  Meanwhile, sweet, precious MJ is convinced Sandra is the culprit, saying, “Kate is giving me faithful energy. My gut is telling me Sandra is a traitor.” If this woman is able to use a can opener, it would, frankly, shock me. 

It’s down to two possible murders: Sherée and Trishelle. When Trishelle strides in her Burberry pants and Stupid White Vanderbilt Mom at Steeplechase Hat (™), the contestants (somehow) realize that Sherée has been the unfortunate victim. In her final testimonial, Sherée has, apparently, figured out what show she has been on for the past 10 episodes, something that fans have genuinely been wondering due to her utter inability to accomplish anything of note. She, too, has set her sights on Kate: “Kate came in hot, and it was written all over her face,” she says. Good for you, babe! You figured out a thing. Now, try taking the LSAT.

Alan Cumming (yes, it is necessary to say his first and last name on every mention) comes in wearing what appears to be a CT eye-colored quilt, which he has paired with a Thirties haircut and little nanny glasses. He looks like he’s been cast as FDR in a drag version of Annie that would make Ben Shapiro absolutely apoplectic (and that I, personally, would love to see). He hints at the upcoming mission involving a helicopter. Then the helicopter comes, and everyone acts as if they’ve never seen or heard of a helicopter before in their lives, despite the fact that most of these people live in Los Angeles and get paid tens of thousands of dollars for shitting out Instagram sponcon about hair gummies. MJ makes a gushing comment about “flying over the beautiful Scottish lands,” further reinforcing my belief that someone at Peacock is trying to have sex with someone who works at the Scottish tourism bureau. 

The gang arrives at a bunch of cliffs, which Alan Cumming introduces, but I can’t remember the name; they may or may not have been named after the actor Colin Firth. They are told they have to get to a pirate ship and raise the mainsail within 60 minutes to add $50,000 to the $158,000 prize fund. There are various detours along the way where they have to complete tasks to add to the prize pot before they reach the ship. Alan Cumming refers to this as “my ship,” just as he refers to the castle as “my castle,” as if he spent all of his own money on this production. Co-directing 2001’s The Anniversary Party with Jennifer Jason Leigh couldn’t possibly have paid that well, Alan! That was a good movie, though.

Kate, who is, if nothing else, committed to constantly being on brand, declares, “I hate missions.” The tasks during the detours are not really worth describing — one of them involves fishing a flag out of a lobster trap — but almost all of them are entirely dependent on CT, and CT alone, doing immense physical labor while the Bravo girlies stand to the side with their mouths open, fantasizing about doing blow off a twink’s abs at a BravoCon afterparty. “Let’s be honest, I’m doing all the heavy lifting,” CT says in the understatement of the century. With 16 minutes left into the mission, he has to run back to the start to retrieve a code for a padlock so they can add $10k to the prize pot, and his slow-motion jog back to the group is the sexiest thing I have seen since Jacob Elordi called himself “babygirl” in his Saturday Night Live promos. Would I be so dramatic as to say I would die for this man? No, but I would probably steal a flat-screen TV or something from Best Buy for him. That’s serious! You can get like 10 years in prison for that. 

Then, the group has to rappel down a cliff. Despite Kate being a giant pain in the ass (“Is it possible for the body to throw up and pee at the same time?” she says. YES, OF COURSE, KATE, IT’S POSSIBLE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A NON-PROFIT OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BEFORE) they somehow make it down and get onto the boat, hoisting the mainsail with just nine seconds left. Everyone seems genuinely happy, and it’s a lovely cathartic moment. 

In the copter on the way back, CT and Kate chat about the upcoming roundtable. “Good job today for a yacthy,” CT says, while Kate fires back, “I’m a gamer, get it right.” It’s giving Parvati and Peter doing their from-lovers-to-enemies erotic fan fiction arc a few episodes ago. On the ride, Kate is making a last-ditch effort to frame Sandra, prompting CT to ask if she’s a Traitor. “How dare you, so rude, why,” she says in a manner that is so unconvincing I am briefly under the impression she is purposefully being sarcastic. CT, however, somehow — CT! My king! Why? — appears to be swayed, saying he is “starting to second-guess” his decision to vote her out. 

CT tells Sandra about this conversation, prompting Sandra to confront Kate, who tries to deflect the blame onto CT. Kate then goes to CT and informs him Sandra will be voting for him at the roundtable. “Everyone is telling everybody what they want to hear,” CT says. “I don’t see why she’d vote for me unless she’s a Traitor.” These people have the structural integrity of marshmallows. 

At the roundtable, Alan Cumming welcomes the players “to this grand hall of gargantuan lies and grandiose bluster” (apparently, the writers brought back John to help out with some dialogue behind the scenes after he was murdered. If so, I hope he gets paid more than he did when he was Speaker!). It takes Sandra about three seconds to realize she’s been set up and that Kate had been lying to CT and Sandra all along. She is justifiably pissed and puts up a relatively convincing argument in her own defense, saying she wished she had been selected for the “privilege” of being a traitor but was not. “Her whole outfit is screaming Traitor. I don’t know what else to tell you guys,” Sandra screams, prompting Kate, who is wearing a cream-colored jumpsuit that indeed looks Traitor-like, to smile and say, “Thanks,” in a moment that immediately gives her away as a Traitor but also seems to have been engineered in a lab exclusively for the enjoyment of the reality TV millennial gays.

It is now time to vote. CT votes for Sandra, as do Kate and MJ. An irate Trishelle, who had previously planned with CT to try to oust Kate, votes along with the group, casting her ballot for Sandra so she can be with the majority. It is a move that would have made a lot more sense earlier in the game with more players when voting outside the majority would have invited suspicion, but it is frankly inexplicable given how far along they are. Sandra seems genuinely floored. “My heart is really broken. I never once doubted you. I don’t regret anything I’ve done in this game,” she says before revealing herself as a Faithful. For reasons that are far beyond anything the mortal brain can attempt to ascertain, MJ seems both shocked and heartbroken. 

Narrowly escaping banishment has emboldened Kate in the most obnoxious way possible. “Somehow, I’ve gotten the least amount of accusations this evening. How charming am I?” she says. “I’m expecting them to next storm the castle and pursue Fergus and Alan.” (Honestly, she probably could.) Meanwhile, Trishelle is consumed by what she views as CT’s umpteenth betrayal during the game, which is clearly sowing the seeds for her to ultimately betray him in the final round, despite the fact that they have known each other for decades and have been allies throughout the season. Alan Cumming does little interviews with everyone in the group, none of which are notable except for MJ’s because she says that while she “trusts everyone in the group,” she has somehow deduced that “there must be a Traitor left because Sheree was murdered.” No, MJ, Sheree wasn’t murdered. She decided to symbolically kill herself. Again, it is a mystery that these people are able to tie their shoes.

The group heads to the “fire of truth,” which is essentially just the same kind of fire pit you’d find at an upper-middle-class suburban couple’s wedding. You half expect an eight-piece band to be playing “Uptown Funk” while the mother of the bride ralphs in the bathroom sink. Alan swans in wearing a sapphire jewel-encrusted cape and explains the rules: the group must decide whether to end the game, thereby risking that there is still a Traitor in their midst who may take all the money or banish another person. Everyone except Kate votes for banishment, which, again, instantly reveals her to be a Traitor. This time, everyone votes for Kate to be banished, and she pretends to be OK with it, even though literally three minutes before, she had been gleefully saying that she “hoped someone would cry” when she won the money. It is a pyrrhic victory. Or pyrrhic loss? I don’t know. I just know “pyrrhic” has fire involved. 

It is now time for MJ, Trishelle, and CT to decide whether they want to banish again or to end the game and split the prize money among them. MJ votes to end the game. “If I’m wrong to love these guys, I don’t want to be right,” she declares. “I just trust them.” Both Trishelle and CT shockingly vote to banish again, with CT declaring to Trishelle, “There’s only one person here I’m willing to trust to share that pot of gold with.” It becomes clear that they intend to fuck over MJ, something that their alliance has been hinting at throughout the season, but MJ is justifiably pissed. CT then votes for MJ to be banished, while MJ votes for Trishelle; Trishelle, however, votes for CT, leading to a draw. 

It’s unclear why Trishelle votes for CT for banishment; she cannot possibly think he is a Traitor due to their hardcore alliance throughout the show, and judging by CT’s vote to banish MJ, they seem to have orchestrated a plan prior to ousting whoever they were competing against in the finals. Apparently, however, Trishelle did this for an extremely Trishelle reason: pettiness. “We had a plan to vote out Kate, and when we got to the banishment room, you were defending her all of a sudden. It just didn’t align,” she says. CT looks staggered, saying he has “never doubted” Trishelle. It is a major plot twist in what is surely the Anna Karenina/Count Vronsky dynamic of our times, a book I have frankly never read but am sure was about two professionally hot people who kind of hated each other and have appeared drunk on various reality television programs, one of whom has slept with Leonardo DiCaprio. MJ is watching this vaguely psychosexual drama play out, vacillating between feeling hurt and wildly uncomfortable, like a guy who asks his wife to have a threesome and then gets shut out and watches TV in the other room.

It’s time for the three to vote again. CT votes for MJ again. MJ votes for Trishelle again. Trishelle, however, has seemingly been convinced by CT’s blue blue eyes and show of loyalty; he votes for MJ. MJ is, once again, “heartbroken.” “It shouldn’t have ended this way,” she says. “C’est pas juste.” Why does MJ speak French in her goodbye message? I don’t know. I could Google it, but I have to think about other things, like keeping my two small children alive and raising them to never seek validation on reality television by scratching through snakes and rats in underground tunnels to retrieve a gold shield some PA bought for $5 at Party City.

As fireworks ring out over the Scottish countryside, CT and Trishelle reveal each other to be Faithfuls. They take turns lying on the fake gold; CT is so overjoyed that he kisses Alan Cumming on the cheek, a gesture that would have impressed me a whole lot more if it had been 20 minutes of uncensored ball-slapping sex in front of the Peacock viewing audience, but I suppose we can’t have everything. 

“You have wills of iron, nerves of titanium, and the strength of steel,” Alan Cumming declares as the three celebrate having fucked over a sweet, well-meaning, and ultimately very unintelligent woman.

Happy Traitors second season, everyone! Can’t wait to see your MJ-backing-out-of-a-room costumes for Halloween.