“What Is Your Most Frequent Form Of Internalized Misogyny?”: 40 Women Reply
Few people enjoy being disliked, no matter the reason. But it might be especially aggravating when the hurtful disposition is based on something that’s a given; an individual’s gender or appearance, for instance.
Take misogyny, for example. Manifesting itself in hatred towards or prejudice against females, it encourages people to make mean comments or behave themselves in a way that can only be called unsympathetic at best. Despite that, sometimes it’s women themselves who engage in misogynistic behavior.
Females of Reddit recently discussed the topic when one user asked them what was their most frequent form of internalized misogyny—a thought or behavior that they know is misogynistic and hurts to think or feel, but they can’t seem to shake off. Netizens were honest with their answers and covered all sorts of examples, some of which fellow redditors seemed to relate to, so scroll down to find them on the list below and read more about how internalized misogyny can affect women.
my most annoying one is that I think men age better than women and that I am afraid of looking old. When I look at a mature woman, I see all her “flaws” and reconstruct how she “is supposed to look” (aka YOUNG). While when I look at a man of any age, I see just him how he is and simply accept it without judgement.
Its really unfortunate and annoying and I hate it. I try to look past it but it is difficult.
Thinking that I’m cheap and trashy for wanting or having sex. Especially if it doesn’t involve romantic settings or specific rules. Social media makes it so much worse. “Classy women with high standards” types of videos made by women are incredibly hurtful and support misogynistic thought patterns
That if no one has cooked dinner or the kitchen hasn’t been cleaned, it’s my fault even though a second fully functional adult lives in my house.
It seems like a small thing in comparison to a lot of other comments, but always labeling my son’s toys as male, especially when there is no characteristic that would indicate gender, like a little toy astronaut. I’m trying to catch myself and switch things up until my son can decide on his own.
I think the worst is that I internalized the idea that girls and women are innately more responsible and organized.
I’m not innately organized, I’ve spent 40 years with undiagnosed ADHD and I’ve developed an elaborate system of tricks and notebooks to keep my life together.
So I feel like I’m failing as a woman and a human when I do something like miss the signup day for pizza day at school for my kids (thank you principal for letting me pay and sign up a day late), or forgetting to do my own laundry.
And then the internalized misogyny coupled with a bit of residual eldest daughter syndrome means I really, REALLY suck at asking for help. Half the battle is remembering I can ask for help from my husband. He’s great and he does a lot, but he needs to see slack to pick it up, if that makes sense.
But I’m working on it.
Idk if you can classify this as such but:
Judging a woman by what she’s wearing. Especially if it’s a very risqué outfit. I can’t even justify why I do it but I find myself doing this too often.
I can’t say it’s bc I can’t put on the same outfit and not look the same or afford it but it’s just an outfit I guess I consider rather inappropriate (for the time or setting) or *”she’s doing too much”*. I usually just smack my mind and saying:
*”she probably has never had the confidence and is now confident with her appearance, why can’t you accept that?”*
*”what is something YOU would like to wear that you know someone will equally judge you but you absolutely would love to wear as confidently as she would?”*
I still subconsciously assume that attractive women are automatically going to be meaner or more shallow just because they are attractive. I know it’s because I’m insecure myself and society has pushed this idea that all attractive women are stuck up but it’s so hard to shake this off.
I’ve always worked out and kept fit, but I’d be lying if I said part of the reason I watch what I eat and work out is because I worry people would say I deserved the abuse and infidelity from my husband if I get too chubby. *”well, no wonder- look at her.”*
Margaret Atwood said something about the male gaze and that there’s a figurative man in the back of your mind so you’re never alone and always being watched. For me, that man has been my dad, other male family members, male friends, and romantic interests that I feel are always judging me in the back of my mind.
I can’t get it out of my head that women are less capable. I will trust any man in any position you can imagine before any woman doing the same task. This goes only for strangers, mind, I work with plenty of very capable women and I’m very aware of their skills.
But with strangers? The thoughts do not even take form. I’ll just trust my middle aged male doctor more than my young female doctor. Age plays a part in it, even though it should not.
And I do it to myself too. I’ll believe that I’m not doing a home repair proficiently enough and ask a male friend or relative for advice, and it will turn out that they know less than me. Which makes sense! Why should they know! Even those who do home repairs on the regular haven’t done EVERYTHING.
Anyway, I hate it with a passion and go against this instinct every time I realise I’m falling into it, because it can’t be trusted.
I don’t know if it fits the usual definition of internalized misogyny, but my worst one lately is expecting myself to be taken less seriously than men, and just generally struggle more in my career. I’m finishing university and want to go into a pretty male-dominated field and feel really pessimistic about it. Even though my personal experience throughout my academic life has been being treated respectfully and taken seriously, I was reading too much online about systemic issues and other people’s bad experiences and letting it make me deeply pessimistic and almost hopeless. I had to unfollow a lot of feminist content because of how it was affecting my mental health, even though of course it is important for those stories to be out there.
Somewhere in my mind I still automatically go to men when something needs to get done. This is because of years of little comments implying that men are better at doing stuff. Even though in most situations I have been in women have proven to be much more useful. I think it is also a reflection on myself, women are more like me and I don’t trust myself to be capable to do a lot of things, while men are much less relatable.
Ugh, I have several and I’m really trying to work on them. The biggest one is comparison. I compare myself to other women and have to consciously correct myself when I start to build resentment towards women who are better at something than I am. Especially when that something is a traditionally masculine activity. I am a powerlifter, and this is a huge struggle for me in the gym. Patriarchy tells us that male attention and approval are to be sought after, and in the gym the stronger (and “hotter”) you are, the more of that attention and approval you receive. I’ve worked hard to help cultivate an environment that is supportive to newcomer women in the gym, but when I see other women who are stronger than me, I have to fight the urge to feel jealous and resentful of them. I have to remind myself that my resentment towards them is a product of my internalized misogyny and only helps to uphold the patriarchal standards of gym culture. From newcomers to veteran elites, all women deserve support from one another both in and out of the gym.
That it’s my job to take care of the house. I learned the behavior from my own family. My brother got out of chores by intentionally screwing them up and I’d have to do it several times in a row even if I did something wrong.
Now as an adult, whenever something needs to be cleaned, I’ll say, “I need to do the dishes. I need to fold the laundry.” Even if my husband is saying he will take care of it, it’s already in my head that it’s my responsibility to take care of it. I hate that I think that way because it just makes me resentful. I get mad at my husband internally who does genuinely want to help a lot because I feel like he has so much more free time than I do.
I also have thoughts a lot that I’m broken because I don’t want children. Most people don’t bat an eye about a man not having kids, but women are just expected to want it due to a maternal instinct. I just don’t. I feel like I’m supposed to though and it makes me feel like I’m a failure as a woman for being that way.
I feel bad when I’m not empathic as I should be and I feel guilty when I get angry because it’s not lady like.
I don’t like walking around town with my child on my own because I don’t want to attract judgement being a single mother.
I don’t like talking too much about my job to my male friends because I don’t want to come across as better or more capable than them.
My bitten finger nails are uglier on a me than on a guy that also bites his nails.
My initial reaction to seeing long underarm or leg hair on another woman is to feel grossed out. I have to actively remind myself it’s none of my damn business how someone chooses to deal with their body hair.
I judge too quickly on women who follow trends. Like I have to remind myself everytime I see a Stanley cup that women are allowed to enjoy things even if I don’t get it.
I am trying to gain muscle right now, which requires gaining weight. It has been hell on me psychologically due to the internalized misogyny telling me that the less I weigh, the better.
Feeling responsible for the actions of the men in my life.
My light bulb moment was realizing that I was standing there apologizing because my husband was directing his typical morning grumpiness toward *his own father*.
It was absurd that I felt that, somehow, *I* was to blame for a grown adult not knowing how to keep his mouth shut until he was awake enough to be a civilized human being. And not only was I to blame, I owed the person who raised him an apology for not teaching him better myself, now that he was my responsibility.
I’m slightly ashamed to admit this but I more harshly judge women who relinquish custody of their children to pursue a life without them than I do men. I cannot imagine leaving my kids to go live a life on my own, I was bonded to them when they were in my belly and could never think of life without them and it’s hard for me to imagine that for another woman who’s bore a child in her womb.
Probably that I assume women should be better than men. Like because my experiences with women have been very comforting and friendship based, I get violently disappointed when women do something bad – far more disappointed than when a man does something bad.
Like when I found out my friend’s girlfriend cheated on them I was like, so hatefully devastated that she would do something so awful. When my friend’s boyfriend cheated on her I was like, god he sucks. No deep disappointment or head shake like I did with the woman. Or when a man supports an abuser I’m like welp okay. When a woman supports an abuser I feel betrayed.
It’s very internalized misogyny of me to hold all women to higher expectations.
Everytime I get mad when I see my little lower belly pouch I gotta forcibly remind myself that that’s there to protect a whole internal organ and shouldn’t have ever been shamed
I absolutely believe that I have to be thin to be attractive to my partner, but think that he’s attractive even though he’s overweight.
That heavy makeup= shallow, ditzy.
I think it helps that make-up is being seen more as an art form now, but I think that there’s still a part of me that views it as a signifier that the woman Only cares about attracting men.
Thankfully I’m conscious enough of the inherent misogyny to shut down those thoughts.
I have resented some women for the idea of their pretty privilege. I consider myself to be smart, hardworking, and disciplined but it always feels like that’s overlooked since I am overweight and feel the need to shirk myself for taking up space. It doesn’t help that I’ve always been told to relegate myself to the background but it totally hurts to shoulder the burden of needing to accept things aren’t “for me” because someone decided I wasn’t good enough for it based on how I look.
It’s weirdly specific, but it irks me when I see girls cosplaying male characters.
It makes no sense. I’m not even into cosplay. And I am nonbinary and queer myself! Yet, my first thought is “ugh, you could have tried harder, couldn’t you? Costly costume, elaborate shot and yet it’s clear you’re a girl”. I hate to have that reaction, I never say it out loud and it ashames me. Further on, I have absolutely no problems with men cosplaying female characters, so it’s just something against women just having a perfectly legit hobby.
Mothering.
I’ve been taught to mother as a child. I hate that not only do I mother my own children now as an adult, but I mother actual strangers. I’ve caught myself doing it, and it’s really frustrating.
I do this Not because I give a single solitary s**t about the person who isn’t my kid but because it’s muscle memory now.
I grew up during the 80’s and 90’s, so I’m very aware of weight and looks. My own as well as other people’s. When I was a teenage girl there you had to be thin to even be considered human and I wasn’t.
Women who’s kids have A(ll) D(ifferent) D(addys) make poor decisions and aren’t good judges of character.
It’s my own personal bias that was formed way back when I was young and reinforced through knowing women who had kids with a bunch of different men. I know the woman didn’t get herself pregnant but it still makes me judge them for bringing another human being into their situation that didn’t ask to be here. I judge the baby daddy but I hate that I expected more from the Mother.
I think that no men would want me if I will be chubby again and no one will look at me because I am mostly wearing baggy clothes and no makeup.
That my value to my partner and to society at large is tied to my appearance/age/fertility, etc. That I have to always go above and beyond to care for others and my needs come last. That I have to satisfy my partner in bed before my own desires cuz his wants are more important blah blah.
I’ve been trying hard to get over this but I judge women more harshly for being selfish or disagreeable than men. The whole society does this too.
Making sure I look good in a way that is probably more male-gazy than I would want. It sometimes makes my life a little easier than if I weren’t.
When you ask a (straight) woman “what’s sexy?” and she gives an answer a man would give, like “lingerie”, “boudoir”.
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Few people enjoy being disliked, no matter the reason. But it might be especially aggravating when the hurtful disposition is based on something that’s a given; an individual’s gender or appearance, for instance.
Take misogyny, for example. Manifesting itself in hatred towards or prejudice against females, it encourages people to make mean comments or behave themselves in a way that can only be called unsympathetic at best. Despite that, sometimes it’s women themselves who engage in misogynistic behavior.
Females of Reddit recently discussed the topic when one user asked them what was their most frequent form of internalized misogyny—a thought or behavior that they know is misogynistic and hurts to think or feel, but they can’t seem to shake off. Netizens were honest with their answers and covered all sorts of examples, some of which fellow redditors seemed to relate to, so scroll down to find them on the list below and read more about how internalized misogyny can affect women.
my most annoying one is that I think men age better than women and that I am afraid of looking old. When I look at a mature woman, I see all her "flaws" and reconstruct how she "is supposed to look" (aka YOUNG). While when I look at a man of any age, I see just him how he is and simply accept it without judgement.
Its really unfortunate and annoying and I hate it. I try to look past it but it is difficult.
Thinking that I'm cheap and trashy for wanting or having sex. Especially if it doesn't involve romantic settings or specific rules. Social media makes it so much worse. "Classy women with high standards" types of videos made by women are incredibly hurtful and support misogynistic thought patterns
That if no one has cooked dinner or the kitchen hasn't been cleaned, it's my fault even though a second fully functional adult lives in my house.
It seems like a small thing in comparison to a lot of other comments, but always labeling my son's toys as male, especially when there is no characteristic that would indicate gender, like a little toy astronaut. I'm trying to catch myself and switch things up until my son can decide on his own.
I think the worst is that I internalized the idea that girls and women are innately more responsible and organized.
I’m not innately organized, I’ve spent 40 years with undiagnosed ADHD and I’ve developed an elaborate system of tricks and notebooks to keep my life together.
So I feel like I’m failing as a woman and a human when I do something like miss the signup day for pizza day at school for my kids (thank you principal for letting me pay and sign up a day late), or forgetting to do my own laundry.
And then the internalized misogyny coupled with a bit of residual eldest daughter syndrome means I really, REALLY suck at asking for help. Half the battle is remembering I can ask for help from my husband. He’s great and he does a lot, but he needs to see slack to pick it up, if that makes sense.
But I’m working on it.
Idk if you can classify this as such but:
Judging a woman by what she’s wearing. Especially if it’s a very risqué outfit. I can’t even justify why I do it but I find myself doing this too often.
I can’t say it’s bc I can’t put on the same outfit and not look the same or afford it but it’s just an outfit I guess I consider rather inappropriate (for the time or setting) or *”she’s doing too much”*. I usually just smack my mind and saying:
*”she probably has never had the confidence and is now confident with her appearance, why can’t you accept that?”*
*”what is something YOU would like to wear that you know someone will equally judge you but you absolutely would love to wear as confidently as she would?”*
I still subconsciously assume that attractive women are automatically going to be meaner or more shallow just because they are attractive. I know it’s because I’m insecure myself and society has pushed this idea that all attractive women are stuck up but it’s so hard to shake this off.
I’ve always worked out and kept fit, but I’d be lying if I said part of the reason I watch what I eat and work out is because I worry people would say I deserved the abuse and infidelity from my husband if I get too chubby. *”well, no wonder- look at her.”*
Margaret Atwood said something about the male gaze and that there’s a figurative man in the back of your mind so you’re never alone and always being watched. For me, that man has been my dad, other male family members, male friends, and romantic interests that I feel are always judging me in the back of my mind.
I can't get it out of my head that women are less capable. I will trust any man in any position you can imagine before any woman doing the same task. This goes only for strangers, mind, I work with plenty of very capable women and I'm very aware of their skills.
But with strangers? The thoughts do not even take form. I'll just trust my middle aged male doctor more than my young female doctor. Age plays a part in it, even though it should not.
And I do it to myself too. I'll believe that I'm not doing a home repair proficiently enough and ask a male friend or relative for advice, and it will turn out that they know less than me. Which makes sense! Why should they know! Even those who do home repairs on the regular haven't done EVERYTHING.
Anyway, I hate it with a passion and go against this instinct every time I realise I'm falling into it, because it can't be trusted.
I don't know if it fits the usual definition of internalized misogyny, but my worst one lately is expecting myself to be taken less seriously than men, and just generally struggle more in my career. I'm finishing university and want to go into a pretty male-dominated field and feel really pessimistic about it. Even though my personal experience throughout my academic life has been being treated respectfully and taken seriously, I was reading too much online about systemic issues and other people's bad experiences and letting it make me deeply pessimistic and almost hopeless. I had to unfollow a lot of feminist content because of how it was affecting my mental health, even though of course it is important for those stories to be out there.
Somewhere in my mind I still automatically go to men when something needs to get done. This is because of years of little comments implying that men are better at doing stuff. Even though in most situations I have been in women have proven to be much more useful. I think it is also a reflection on myself, women are more like me and I don't trust myself to be capable to do a lot of things, while men are much less relatable.
Ugh, I have several and I’m really trying to work on them. The biggest one is comparison. I compare myself to other women and have to consciously correct myself when I start to build resentment towards women who are better at something than I am. Especially when that something is a traditionally masculine activity. I am a powerlifter, and this is a huge struggle for me in the gym. Patriarchy tells us that male attention and approval are to be sought after, and in the gym the stronger (and “hotter”) you are, the more of that attention and approval you receive. I’ve worked hard to help cultivate an environment that is supportive to newcomer women in the gym, but when I see other women who are stronger than me, I have to fight the urge to feel jealous and resentful of them. I have to remind myself that my resentment towards them is a product of my internalized misogyny and only helps to uphold the patriarchal standards of gym culture. From newcomers to veteran elites, all women deserve support from one another both in and out of the gym.
That it's my job to take care of the house. I learned the behavior from my own family. My brother got out of chores by intentionally screwing them up and I'd have to do it several times in a row even if I did something wrong.
Now as an adult, whenever something needs to be cleaned, I'll say, "I need to do the dishes. I need to fold the laundry." Even if my husband is saying he will take care of it, it's already in my head that it's my responsibility to take care of it. I hate that I think that way because it just makes me resentful. I get mad at my husband internally who does genuinely want to help a lot because I feel like he has so much more free time than I do.
I also have thoughts a lot that I'm broken because I don't want children. Most people don't bat an eye about a man not having kids, but women are just expected to want it due to a maternal instinct. I just don't. I feel like I'm supposed to though and it makes me feel like I'm a failure as a woman for being that way.
I feel bad when I'm not empathic as I should be and I feel guilty when I get angry because it's not lady like.
I don't like walking around town with my child on my own because I don't want to attract judgement being a single mother.
I don't like talking too much about my job to my male friends because I don't want to come across as better or more capable than them.
My bitten finger nails are uglier on a me than on a guy that also bites his nails.
My initial reaction to seeing long underarm or leg hair on another woman is to feel grossed out. I have to actively remind myself it's none of my damn business how someone chooses to deal with their body hair.
I judge too quickly on women who follow trends. Like I have to remind myself everytime I see a Stanley cup that women are allowed to enjoy things even if I don't get it.
I am trying to gain muscle right now, which requires gaining weight. It has been hell on me psychologically due to the internalized misogyny telling me that the less I weigh, the better.
Feeling responsible for the actions of the men in my life.
My light bulb moment was realizing that I was standing there apologizing because my husband was directing his typical morning grumpiness toward *his own father*.
It was absurd that I felt that, somehow, *I* was to blame for a grown adult not knowing how to keep his mouth shut until he was awake enough to be a civilized human being. And not only was I to blame, I owed the person who raised him an apology for not teaching him better myself, now that he was my responsibility.
I’m slightly ashamed to admit this but I more harshly judge women who relinquish custody of their children to pursue a life without them than I do men. I cannot imagine leaving my kids to go live a life on my own, I was bonded to them when they were in my belly and could never think of life without them and it’s hard for me to imagine that for another woman who’s bore a child in her womb.
Probably that I assume women should be better than men. Like because my experiences with women have been very comforting and friendship based, I get violently disappointed when women do something bad - far more disappointed than when a man does something bad.
Like when I found out my friend’s girlfriend cheated on them I was like, so hatefully devastated that she would do something so awful. When my friend’s boyfriend cheated on her I was like, god he sucks. No deep disappointment or head shake like I did with the woman. Or when a man supports an abuser I’m like welp okay. When a woman supports an abuser I feel betrayed.
It’s very internalized misogyny of me to hold all women to higher expectations.
Everytime I get mad when I see my little lower belly pouch I gotta forcibly remind myself that that’s there to protect a whole internal organ and shouldn’t have ever been shamed
I absolutely believe that I have to be thin to be attractive to my partner, but think that he’s attractive even though he’s overweight.
That heavy makeup= shallow, ditzy.
I think it helps that make-up is being seen more as an art form now, but I think that there's still a part of me that views it as a signifier that the woman Only cares about attracting men.
Thankfully I'm conscious enough of the inherent misogyny to shut down those thoughts.
I have resented some women for the idea of their pretty privilege. I consider myself to be smart, hardworking, and disciplined but it always feels like that’s overlooked since I am overweight and feel the need to shirk myself for taking up space. It doesn’t help that I’ve always been told to relegate myself to the background but it totally hurts to shoulder the burden of needing to accept things aren’t “for me” because someone decided I wasn’t good enough for it based on how I look.
It's weirdly specific, but it irks me when I see girls cosplaying male characters.
It makes no sense. I'm not even into cosplay. And I am nonbinary and queer myself! Yet, my first thought is "ugh, you could have tried harder, couldn't you? Costly costume, elaborate shot and yet it's clear you're a girl". I hate to have that reaction, I never say it out loud and it ashames me. Further on, I have absolutely no problems with men cosplaying female characters, so it's just something against women just having a perfectly legit hobby.
Mothering.
I've been taught to mother as a child. I hate that not only do I mother my own children now as an adult, but I mother actual strangers. I've caught myself doing it, and it's really frustrating.
I do this Not because I give a single solitary s**t about the person who isn't my kid but because it's muscle memory now.
I grew up during the 80's and 90's, so I'm very aware of weight and looks. My own as well as other people's. When I was a teenage girl there you had to be thin to even be considered human and I wasn't.
Women who’s kids have A(ll) D(ifferent) D(addys) make poor decisions and aren’t good judges of character.
It’s my own personal bias that was formed way back when I was young and reinforced through knowing women who had kids with a bunch of different men. I know the woman didn’t get herself pregnant but it still makes me judge them for bringing another human being into their situation that didn’t ask to be here. I judge the baby daddy but I hate that I expected more from the Mother.
I think that no men would want me if I will be chubby again and no one will look at me because I am mostly wearing baggy clothes and no makeup.
That my value to my partner and to society at large is tied to my appearance/age/fertility, etc. That I have to always go above and beyond to care for others and my needs come last. That I have to satisfy my partner in bed before my own desires cuz his wants are more important blah blah.
I’ve been trying hard to get over this but I judge women more harshly for being selfish or disagreeable than men. The whole society does this too.
Making sure I look good in a way that is probably more male-gazy than I would want. It sometimes makes my life a little easier than if I weren't.
When you ask a (straight) woman "what's sexy?" and she gives an answer a man would give, like "lingerie", "boudoir".
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